be present, be purposeful

i want to be present in my life. i want everything i do to be purposeful. starting right now i'm going to mean everything i do, say everything i mean, and take the consequences.

now that i'm on the path to recovery, and what a long terrible journey its been so far, i can look back now, now that i am single, have hit rockbottom and have no where to go but up, and see how destructive avoidance can be, how tragic intolerance is, how pathetic emtpy eyes see the world, how being green is a disgusting thing and being positive can truely bring positive changes.

i've changed, not for the better, but now its time for damage control. i'm ready. i'm going to make this count. i'm not going to waste a broken heart or two of the greatest years thus far on the theory of pity; instead i'm going to live with purpose and hopefully not regret my tardiness in doing so.

i'll always love ryan o'brien, fisher o'brien and his lovely parents and brother. but i'm no longer part of that clan, by choice as well as decree, and so i must move, in any direction, so that i can verify whether or not i'm living again. and as long as i'm present, as i'm purposeful, as i'm all-in, i'll be alright.